How to “stay tuned” so your partner feels LOVED

Feeling loved is such a blessing. It is a measure of our prosperity in relationship to people and things.

When we feel loved we expand our consciousness and attract more good. We feel blessed and we become a blessing to those around us.

There are many ways to experience the feeling of being loved and many authors have delineated those ways, like the author of the “5 Languages of Love” which helps readers identify how they want to be loved.

Feeling loved is also “an inside job”, however, and we are responsible ultimately for our own “love life”. Learning how to listen to ourselves and others is an essential skill to master in order to foster a greater expression of love within and between our self and others. Have you ever noticed that partners who seem the happiest also seem to possess a way to clearly communicate feelings and thoughts with one another?

There is a story I learned back in my training about a wife who was on her way to a wedding and forgot her gloves.

It was about 30 days later, and our couple was simply driving in their car when “she “started:  “Remember that day when I forgot my gloves for the wedding and you refused to drive me back to our house?”  He lamented: “Oh no, not that again. This must make the 30th time you have brought this to my attention”. “Yes, she replied, “I still don’t feel heard by you and I will tell this story until you can hear my feelings”.

Does this exchange sound familiar to you?

It is, unfortunately, reminiscent of thousands of conversations I have had with couples throughout my 30 plus years as a counselor. And now, as a wedding planner and officiant, it saddens me to see how unprepared so many couples are to keep their marriage vibrant for years and decades to come by listening carefully to each others’ expressions of feelings.

But who is teaching the skills and where would our couples go to learn them?  For that reason, to fill that need, we are writing these articles monthly.

As an officiant, I am often privy to those magical moments with the spouse. Those moments to which I am referring are when he or she is waiting to process down the beach aisle to his or her wedding.

The excitement is usually palpable, and so is the anxiety.

I often say to myself: “a penny for your deepest thoughts”. Yet I am so mindful of his/her space, I only ask how the spouse is feeling, if the atmosphere is right to do so.

During my initial interview with the couple I listen with a question, “are they really prepared to live the vows they are about to share? “And the interview often tells me. A better request I may be making in the future is “share with me how you listen to one another”.

Decades ago I learned a simple formula for keeping couple love vibrant: I like to call this formula the “the love we make formula”.

You may have used it. It consists of only 3 statements and anyone can master it.

  1. What’s that like?
  2. Tell me more.
  3. Is there anything else?

Next month, I will give real life examples of how these 3 statements can be used to heighten the vibrancy you share with others, starting with yourself and your spouse. Stay ”tuned”.

Cynthia Mitchell