Years ago, when training as a spiritual director ,I was fortunate enough to be able to continue my study of Carl Jung’s work.

Before this time,as a therapist , I gravitated to helping people navigate the inner world  of who they really were.

An article came my way that has forever remained in my mind; it was an article on archetypes.

Often when I listen to couples whose weddings we are planning and or officiating, I hear them express what they love about one another and, I think back to this article.

Archetypes reflect our preferences in life and they can also influence our life choices.Should they influence our choice in partners as well?It’s entirely up to you.

Let’s take the names of the 4 archetypes for men and women:

First there is the mother/father, then the amazon/warrior, then the heitera/eternal boy and the sage/mediatrix.

None of us expresses only one of these and couples can be made up of any mix of these.

In my next blog I will address ways  I have seen these preferences play themselves out.

Have you ever given any thought to why some couples feel so “at home” with the person they chose to marry, as if they were coming home to themselves?

Maybe a closer look at these archetypes will help answer that question.

In truth, however, at the specific level, the central event of your day is the ceremony itself; and the central persona other than yourselves is the officiant. You want the ceremony to be personal, meaningful, and memorable. It is, after all, a celebration of your life and your love. Yet many couples leave their choice of officiant until the end of the planning process. We like to think that’s because it is such an important decision and that you are often uncertain as to how to proceed.

What, then, should you look for in choosing an officiant? You may be fortunate to receive a referral from a relative or friend, You may receive a referral list of preferred vendors from your hotel or club where your wedding will take place. Or you may browse the Internet, hope in hand. However you take that first step, you will have to make the first contact. Take time and care to contact one or two  officiants who seem to appeal to you, and ask them about their availability and their professional experience.

First impressions,of course, can be crucial.If you have to leave an e-mail or voice-mail, wait no longer than two or three days for a response. Second, when you do make contact , what is the tone of the response? Whether it is warm and friendly or efficient and business-like, do you feel comfortable with the respondent? While you may conduct an initial communication by e-mail, eventually you will converse by phone and, ultimately, in person.We always insist on a phone connection as soon as possible, and a reference to our web site which not only provides basic information on fees, packages, and additional services but also information on the five officiants in our company.

Our officiants comprise two men and three women (one woman is bilingual, English and Spanish). If you have an affinity towa     rds one of us,through our picture and/or our professional biography, we link you up immediately. Although much of the interaction can be conducted by e-mail or on the phone, we will want to meet you both in person before wedding day to make that personal connection and to finalise consultation on your ceremony.

Choosing an officiant is a relational experience. Is there a good emotional compatability between you and the officiant? Does the officiant seem experienced,reliable, and trustworthy? Does he/she demonstrate a willingness to listen to your ceremony desires rather than impose their preferences on you? Do you feel comfortable asking and receiving honest advice from them on the tone and content of the ceremony,and on such matters as to whether or not you need a rehearsal?

And, finally, do they share the joy and enthusiasm that you feel about the most special day of your lives?

 If the answer to these questions is  a resounding “yes”, you’ve got yourself a great officiant!

To say that we are delighted to see this trend would be a major understatement since our other business involves an affiliation with a highly reputable, long-standing, wellness company (see www.timeforwhatmatters.com ). We have been practicing green living for almost twenty years and relationship counseling for more than thirty years. By combining these two sets of consciousness we can truly claim to be your officiants and planners for life.

Going, going, gone… are the weddings trimmed with ermine, celebrated with plastic or styrofoam cups and glasses, disposable dishes, paraffin candles, and rapidly deteriorating flowers. Did you know, for example, that it will take centuries for uncyclable plastic products to disintegrate and dissolve into the earth or sea? And that styrofoam when burned off-gases a dioxin-like substance which can accumulate in our fat stores and create body burden. While the green philosophy is to “reduce, reuse, and recycle”, we embrace a philosophy of
” Educate, Eliminate and Exchange”
With that intention we share with you some resources we have found most helpful. Two publications that deal directly with green weddings, if you can access them, are Carol Reed-Jones, Green Weddings That Don’t Cost The Earth, and Emily Elizabeth Anderson, Eco-Chic Weddings. Both guides provide simple suggestions on how to plan affordable, eco-friendly weddings.

We believe strongly in active stewardship of our Earth. By making your wedding experience a green event, you are not only making a statement about the quality of life you intend to sustain in your marriage, but you are also raising the environmental consciousness of your wedding guests for whom “going green” may not yet have been integrated into their lives.

In our next article, we will provide information and suggestions on greening every aspect of your wedding experience from choosing rings, wedding sites, and invitations, through creating the green ceremony and reception, to choosing an eco-friendly honeymoon.

Article written by Rev. Robert D. Mitchell

About Dr. Mitchell
Reverend , teacher, and life-long learner, Bob’s relationship skills have endeared him to many people in many different circumstances during the past 40 years. His calm, considerate manner, and his international experience, have given him particular expertise in conducting interdenominational and interfaith ceremonies. Bob’s goal is to create personalized ceremonies that brides and gooms will remember fondly for the rest of their lives.

As ordinary folks, we may disassociate ourselves from people whose fame appears to be remote from our everyday reality.  We are too busy making ends meet, getting the children off to school or college, and balancing the demands of home and careers.  And the unfolding financial crisis is certain to place even more stress on married couples as increasing numbers face foreclosures, job loss, drastically reduced equity & savings, and even bankruptcy.  So, to reiterate, how is the state of your marriage as we enter this period of belt-tightening & reduced expectations?

Recent surveys, including a much-publicized one in Parade magazine, suggest that marriage in the U.S. remains a strong institution.  Between 80% and 90% of couples surveyed said their marriage was reasonably happy.  Some 12% to 14% indicated that they were unhappy and contemplating divorce, and 17% to 18% said they were in a loveless marriage but remained attached for companionship and financial security.  Current surveys indicate a particular concern for men.  While 70% to 75% of men surveyed said they were comfortable with their marriage, almost 50% of women expressed some degree of dissatisfaction.

  Dissatisfaction took several forms.  Finances were often the major issue followed by sex and division of labor.  As you might expect, men complained more about not having enough sex; women felt more burdened with child-rearing and household chores; both spouses frequently felt challenged to earn enough income and put some money in savings.  But most noticeable to us were female complaints about emotional concerns –marital communication, attention, affection, and trust.  Some 20% – 25% of women sought more direct communication; 50% of women claimed that they were not receiving enough attention and displays of affection; and almost 60% of women sensed that their husbands were not totally truthful.  Indeed, 50% of the men surveyed and 40% of the women admitted to keeping secrets from their spouses.

 What are these surveys telling us and how do you shape up? Our own experiences tell us that how you transfer the friendship, respect, and love of your initial relationship into the beginning of your marriage relationship is crucial to the success of that marriage.  If you drift unconsciously from a coupleship into a marriage in the belief that everything will stay the same and that you don’t have to work at making a good marriage, your marriage is more likely to fail than if you practice more conscious loving.  We have found that being open, truthful, and aware of your partner’s needs from the outset is likely to stand you in good steed over the years.  Mutual trust, support, and caring are keys to translating your love into meaningful terms that your spouse can appreciate.  If you are not communicating regularly and expressing your feelings about what is and is not happenig, how is your partner to know how the marriage is going? If you regularly say “I love you” without showing evidence of that love in affectionate ways (flowers, a surprise dinner, sharing a movie, a little gift) how is your partner to know what your love really means? Just as Paul Newman has suggested, compromise rather than acquiescence, patience rather than judgment, and forgiveness rather than blame are the ingredients of a long lasting relationship.  As another actor, Richard Gere, has expressed it recently, “genuine love without ego” is the key.

 In our next article, we will examine the different languages of love that lie at the heart of the marriage commitment.

As a company, A Beautiful Florida Wedding has always believed that it’s important to the vitality of a marriage to renew love daily.  This may simply involve saying “I love you” each day, and being respectful of each other’s contribution to the day.  But, periodically, at critical times in the marriage, something additional may need to be expressed, at such important thresholds as a 1^st, 5^th, 10^th, 20^th or 25^th anniversary.  As “officiants for life”, we have celebrated with couples at their 1st anniversary and at
succeeding decade anniversaries.  We have even had the honor of celebrating one couple’s 40^th anniversary in Naples.  This was a couple who had kept every souvenir from their wedding day right down to the bill for a tuxedo rental.  We also blessed their new retirement home near the beach and shared in the joyous celebration and testimonials of their children, grandchildren, and lifelong friends.

The highlight of most wedding ceremonies is the exchange of vows, because this public expression of love and commitment comes straight from the heart.  Once said, however, many couples can’t recall the content of their vows unless they kept some record of it.  The words remain buried obscurely among the myriad of events that occurred during the wedding day.  Couples may celebrate their anniversaries each year without realizing the importance of actually renewing their vows.

What is the attraction of a vow renewal?  Fro some couples, who had traditional church or synagogue weddings, the attractions are the novelty and informality of a renewal on the beach.  For others, it’s the belief that now is an appropriate time for them to take stock of their relationship.  For still others, it’s the opportunity to celebrate with children, and sometimes close family or friends, in a quiet, intimate atmosphere.

How does a vow renewal compare with the original wedding ceremony?  Some couples view it nostalgically as an experience as closely following the original ceremony as possible.  Most couples, however, see the renewal as an opportunity to blend the original experience with recognition of how they have grown and changed over the years.  Children, especially, are a manifestation of the gifts of the marriage union.  We try to incorporate children in the vow renewal when possible as witnesses, readers, or recipients of their parents’ gratitude.  They tend to be thrilled to be able to experience their parents repeating their vows.  We hope that it impresses upon them the seriousness and sincerity of the marriage commitment.

Our renewal ceremony is relatively short, intimate, and personal.  We begin with a brief homily or reminder of the importance of renewing one’s vows and how that renewal remains eternal throughout the marriage.  We often include a reading or a prayer that captures the sustaining quality of marriage and that recognizes the strength of the commitment that each partner has brought and will continue to bring to the marriage.  The vows that we have the couple repeat blend traditional wording with more contemporary wording that captures the sense of continuity and change.  The precise wording often comes from the couple themselves, although we are happy to create our own phrasing for the occasion.

However expressed, the vow repetition comes from the heart.  So also does the exchange of rings, an especially tender moment because it involves the one tangible symbol from the original wedding ceremony.  We then conclude with a brief blessing or prayer that launches the couple, and their family, on to the next phase of their relationship.

There is usually no processional or recessional, no bridal party, and no formal reception.  What is in place, though, is a particular recognition of a renewed expression of love and commitment, of a family created through that love, and of a resolve to continue to strengthen the bonding that began years ago and that we affirm again today.

 Bob and Cynthia Mitchell and Catherine Fazzina
                                    Your Officiants for Life
                                                     June 2008

Harmony in such a relationship, therefore, comes from the supportive spirit of each partner.  By allowing each other to become whole, complete, and growing individuals, we become fully responsible for the spirit of coupleshipin which both people feel free to express their creativity in the relationship and their joy in the partnership.